I've blown a few things in my day
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
