just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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