i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
