It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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