Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
