I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
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The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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