I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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