I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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