I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
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Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
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He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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