I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
