Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You were trust falling into bushes
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
