I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
