I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
