it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I love you. Go after that dick
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