bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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