its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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