Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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