i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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