i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
