Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Found your dick twin last night
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
