i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
