mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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