Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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