the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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