Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
