You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
