matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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