We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
