I wish I could teleport
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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