I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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