Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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