just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
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Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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