Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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