That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
