I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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