Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My feet surprised me
Randomize
