you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
