my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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