youre lurking in front of me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
