Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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