i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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