someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
