Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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