And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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