ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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