3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
