my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
