You can't special order awesome
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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