clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
