Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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