We named our party play list daddy issues
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
