why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
