I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
