Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
