Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
