do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
