People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
