Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
